The evolution of a Moron Hawkeye Fan

You may recall that I wrote a piece a couple months back on the specimen we refer to as “Moron Hawkeye Fan” or MHF. MHF’s are complete douchebags, but after Saturday in Kinnick I think we need an entirely new category. And that category is “Asshole Hawkeye Fan.” You might think that these are the same things, but oh no. There is a completely different level of douchebaggary that goes into being an AHF. And the loss to MSU last week helped cause some of these losers to come out of hiding and I had the displeasure of witnessing them firsthand. Here’s why AHF sucks, and why I’m tired of it.

I ran into one of these while I was in line for the restroom at halftime. Keep in mind, at this point Iowa was down 31-7 and yes, we had reason to be a little annoyed. But that’s when normal Hawkeye fans differentiate from these complete lunatics. Most of us are disappointed and still hoping that something crazy will happen and we will get to be part of an historic comeback. But not this asshole. Oh no, his life is complete misery and it’s all Iowa’s fault.

So this guy breaks in and starts with how this team is awful. “Man, do we suck!” You’ve all heard stuff like this before. The playcalling is unimaginative. The players weren’t ready. Blah blah blah. But then he starts ripping into the players, and that’s what really chaps my Hawkeye hide. Here are some quotes with my commentary.

“Our defensive line is just shitty! I can’t believe these guys made the team!” Okay asshole, nobody is claiming our defensive line is tops in the league, but that’s no reason to rip them to shreds. I can certainly tell you that Broderick Binns and Mike Daniels are certainly not shitty. These two guys will both make NFL rosters next season; not saying they’ll be stars, but they are good solid defensive lineman that will get their shot and probably make the most of it. Thomas Nardo is a fifth year senior walk-on who turned down other full-rides to be part of the program that you allegedly cheer for. He deserves more than your bullshit commentary, even if he can’t hear it from your position in the line for the pisser. Nardo and the rest of that line probably put more work in in a day than you do in a month, fucktard.

“Vandenburg blows! It’s time to put in Jake Ruddock.” You were probably the same asshole that wanted Vandenberg to come in for Stanzi. Admit it! You know you are totally that fucking guy! This just in: James Vandenberg is one of the best QB’s in the Big Ten. And his experience this year will only make him even better for his senior year when he will be the clear first-team QB in the league. He has 20 TD’s to only 5 picks. If Ruddock were in there as a true freshman that stat would likely be flip-flopped, and Jake would probably agree with me.

“Shaun Prater sucks!” You’re just a fucking idiot.

And then we get to hear about the coaches:

“The coaches should be fired for this performance!” Umm, no. Bitching about losing to Minnesota is one thing, but losing to this MSU team is completely another. Ferentz didn’t drop the ball on a 3rd down that would have moved the chains, McNutt did. O’Keefe didn’t throw a pick in his own territory that lead to a TD, Vandenberg did. Norm didn’t fumble the ball on a kickoff return that lead to a TD, Bernstein did. I’m not ripping on the players here; they are human and make mistakes. But when you do that, it’s the lack of execution that kills you, not any gameplan. Without those turnovers, the halftime deficit could have been 10 or 13, which is much more manageable than 24. And again, I guarantee these coaches work twice as hard has your dumb ass.

And then they think they need to make jokes:

“Man, it looks like we’re only going to the toilet bowl this year!” Go fuck yourself, pal. We’ve only heard that joke 5,000 times too many, so thanks for refreshing that one for us. Iowa will go to a bowl game and the vast majority of us will cheer for them. You, on the other hand, will be happy to make jokes about Ticket City or Detroit. Guess what, the players want to play in a bowl no matter what, and the coaches will want the practices. And just don’t joke about it, because the rest of us don’t think it’s funny; we want to kill you! I had to resist doing my Joe Pesci impression from Goodfellas and start yelling at this guy:

Me: “Let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it’s me, I’m a little fucked up maybe, but this game is funny how, I mean funny like the Hawks are clowns, they amuse you? They make you laugh, they’re here to fuckin’ amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How is this funny?:

AHF: “ya know… it’s funny.”

Me: “No, no, I don’t know, you said it. How do I know? You said it’s funny. How the fuck is this funny, what the fuck is so funny about this? Tell me, tell me what’s funny!”

Ahhhhh, deep breathe.

We all know pricks like this and have heard them either at the game or on the radio afterwards. Ohhhh, do they love to be heard. My problem is that Hawkeye fans get a bad rap because of pricks like this because they happen to be vocal. They are not the majority opinion. They are uninformed blowhards that act like they know what they are talking about, but in reality they are complete dumbasses who think that Iowa should win the Big Ten title every year and play for the National Championship every other. Most Hawkeye fans don’t live in fantasyland, but we get the bad reputation because of assholes like this.

When I wrote about Moron Hawkeye Fan, I was annoyed but now I don’t have as big a problem with him. I don’t because I didn’t fully comprehend that he could be worse. His evolution was not yet complete. So beware MHF, if you don’t make a conscious decision to change your ways, you risk becoming a complete asshole. When you make the transformation, just do us all a favor and start watching the game at home by yourself. The vast majority of us Hawk fans would greatly appreciate it.

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